why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
