The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
