My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
