i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
