Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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