I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
