Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
