I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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