Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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