Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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