About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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