between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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