i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
