I didn't shave. On purpose
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
