i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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