He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
