Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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