So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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