Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
