At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
