): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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