I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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