ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
