i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
