I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
