My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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