Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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