We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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