there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
