I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
