I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
