Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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