Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
