Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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