he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
