when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
