Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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