the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I would fuck him just for his dog
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