There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
