so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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