I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
