when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
