I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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