yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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