i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
