One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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