We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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