I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
