have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
