my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
