just come out here and I will go home with you...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
