I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
