Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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