dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
