if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
