Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
