i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
