Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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