I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
