I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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